Brains

Running on hamster power...

My original blog, Stretching the Comfort Zone, stemmed years ago from this introverted gal’s realization it was time to push outside my self-imposed bubble of safety. One of my constant self-reminders is that if I continue to learn, I won’t grow stagnant. These days I just use my own name, but I often think about the purpose behind the original title.

Minds are complicated and fascinating, and many of us spend our entire lives attempting to glean how and why we think the way we do. If we’re really lucky, we have the occasional epiphany about ourselves, and I was recently blessed with one.

Wait…what? Ohhhh, you want to know about the hamsters.

I’ve always joked my brain is hamster powered. But here’s the thing, it’s not just one hamster. At any given moment, my brain has multiple running incessantly on their wheels. Some are squeaky, some glide smoothly. None are still or silent.

Sorta like this…but more wheels with lots of hamsters.

Endless threads of thought churn simultaneously through my mind. If I wake up at night, 100% of the time my mind begins racing, and there’s nearly always a song running in the background as well. It’s never quiet in there. Ever. Running commentaries and constant streams of consciousness are normal for me. My inner voice is always active, always intense, always in the on position. I’m baffled by the idea some people either have no inner voice or have moments when theirs is silent. Baffled.

But why am I telling you this?

One word: Aphantasia. Huh? What in the…

Yep, it’s a word. Essentially, it means my imagination is blind despite being very vivid. However, I cannot visualize pictures in my mind. Not a shadow, not an outline, not a glimmer. Zilch. Nada. Zip. Nuttin’.

Less than 5% of the population is unable to conjure any images in their mind. Does it mean there’s something WRONG with my brain? Nope. Well, not in regards to this at least…

Consider this quote:

Aphantasia is a variation in human experience. It is not a disability, disorder, nor defect. Nor is it a barrier to success.

Discovering you have aphantasia can lead to new insights into your unique way of thinking, insights that can greatly impact your life, work, and wellbeing often in unimaginable ways.

Literally. 

I’ll have a few links at the bottom if you’re curious to learn more about aphantasia. Maybe your brain works the same way, or perhaps you know someone who experiences visualization like I do...or…uh…don’t. But I digress…

Was that my epiphany?

Nope. Learning about it simply put me on a path of self-awareness and even a bit of learning to be okay in my own skin. I truly believed, my entire life, that people talked about visualizing in a figurative sense—not literal. But apparently, a lot of you close your eyes and see actual pictures. WOW. I’m in awe.

Explaining aphantasia to my husband put me on the path to dissecting how my brain really does work. I asked him if he saw images in his mind, and of course he could. His next remark stuck with me, and it opened a pathway to understanding. All he said was, “Now I understand more about why words are so important to you.”

25 years of marriage, and we’re still learning about one another.

Our conversation progressed further, and several things clarified for me in a way that made me sigh with relief because I finally had words to explain myself.

• He uses words more interchangeably. I tend to have more finite meanings for them. For instance, anger, mad, and frustration are extremely different in my speech. He substitutes one for the other without much thought because he believes they are a general category. In the past, during heated discussions, he would be frustrated over me bringing up a word or phrase he used and not understand why I put so much meaning into them. Now he does. I’m also trying to remember he doesn’t view every phrase the same way I do.

• I build “images” (using the term loosely) using words. I absorb my world with endless strings of vocabulary. I ask a lot of questions. Wes will tell me a story, and I pepper him with questions because I’m building the setup in my mind with all of those words. I’m not trying to be annoying or interrupt…I just need the words for the full impact since I cannot picture the scenario visually.

• I often use words he deems obscure, and we good-naturedly joke about it. But now? I’m justified by the fact I feel those words “fit” the image I’m creating better than a word he might use. Mwahahaha. Take that, Wes.

• Facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice matter more to me. What I lack in mental visualization, I make up for by filling in the blanks with the other things. Explaining this to him allowed him to understand I’m not nitpicking pointless details.

• Videos, movies, and tv shows with sad or super traumatic themes have more of an effect on me than him. If I see something upsetting, a full blown commentary runs in my head for that scenario. The details becomes words, like stories, that play over in my mind. I don’t even like sad animal videos that have positive outcome because my brain will replay the dictation of all the sad parts as well. All of that lends itself to feeling anxious rather than enjoyment. So I’m very choosy about the things I watch.

• Watching certain things on a screen triggers memories for me. Sometimes it’s good. Sometimes it’s bad. But either way, “flashbacks” are not visual for me, so they tend to be in the form of the full narrative, a rush of emotional recall, or adrenaline.

• Music impacts me deeply because the imagery is built solely on sound…words…instruments. Music plays a large roll for many people, but I know in my heart this is why it does for me.

• Wes, my husband, asked me what fantasizing—imagining—is like for me…if I can do it. Absolutely, but I build stories in my head. As a child, I would lie in bed and put myself to sleep creating them in my mind like a mental audiobook. I’d drift into sleep as if reading to myself.

• Someone also asked me if I visualize when I dream. I do! Both sounds and full color pictures or scenarios fill my dreams…when I remember them. However, I’m more susceptible to sleep paralysis. During the height of the night terror, the worst of it takes place in blindness, usually. It’s always dark, and nearly always from behind where I cannot see whatever it is that haunts me. Why? No idea, but it is likely part of the aphantasia.

Those are just a handful of connections, but the conclusion is simple:

Words always impact others, no matter who you are. But for some, they may have a deeper affect. Understanding the way your mind works, why certain things matter more to some than others, is a great way of strengthening your relationships.

Knowledge breeds understanding, but only if you apply it to your life and and improve your relationships. Self-realization breeds acceptance, but only if you love the parts of yourself you learn to comprehend.

But why did stumbling across aphantasia change my life?

I learned. I shared. He listened. Realizing how our minds work not only allows him to understand me better, but I understand him more as well. We keep talking—stretching our comfort zones to overlap one another and solidify our connection.

And the hamsters…

They’re running…always running. Sometimes into one another, sometimes leapfrogging onto other wheels, and sometimes falling off while another takes their place. I’m okay with it because that’s just my brain. The stories that live within me, the narratives that fill my mind, are many. But they build the picture of who I am, and you know what? That’s okay.

Imagine that.

I’d seriously love to know your experiences with visualizing. Do you see images?

Information about Aphantasia:
https://www.verywellmind.com/aphantasia-overview-4178710
https://aphantasia.com/what-is-aphantasia
https://www.sciencefocus.com/the-human-body/aphantasia-life-with-no-minds-eye